Gateway Drugs

So, I'm watching television (as always), mindlessly (as always), and yet another "ask your doctor" drug commercial comes on. I think this is the third in a row. Yep, that famous trilogy - Cialis, Advair and Caduet. By the way, for those that don't know, those were the actual first names of Gladys Knight's Pips... Anyway, it got me thinking.

For years (and years, and years), we've been told by the US government that Marijuana is a gateway drug. As anyone who's heard this over the years, and/or seen Reefer Madness, knows, one simple toke of a joint will forever set you on a bender of giggling rape and pillage that would be the envy of Calligula. Well, I'm not disputing these findings. They are the work of the US government and Hollywood, so they must be true. But, this is where my midnight thought train to Georgia let me off. (See what I did there?) Is MJ the ONLY gateway drug? And barring that, is MJ from the Spiderman movies any sort of gateway? Mmmmm, MJ in the rain...

OKAY, back now... So I'm just asking. Are any of these governmentally approved TV dealers pimping a new gateway drug? I mean, take Restless Leg Syndrome - please (© Henny Youngman). Suppose you've taken the prescribed dose of Requip and your legs stop shooting out at all angles randomly at night or whatever happens. Does that make it easier for you to get a good night's sleep, so that you can get up earlier the next day and get outside? And once you're outside, with nothing else to do and no one to talk to except the drug dealer on the corner, does that mean you'll buy some heroin? Probably not.

Not because you couldn't use some nice smack right now, but basically because I think that the known side effects of Requip - fainting, dizziness, increased gambling and sexual urges, narcolepsy, nausea, vomiting, drowsiness... are gonna stop the average person from EVER getting to sleep in the first place. But if you're one of the lucky ones who does derive some help from this drug without forming an ulcer worrying about the side effects, I really doubt you're going to run out of your house to the nearest crack dealer you can find. What's most likely going to happen is that you're gonna feel rested and relaxed from a good night's sleep and so you're gonna go for a nice long walk in the spring breeze (assuming you can stay upright and clothed - don't forget the narcolepsy and sexual urges side effects...). And then you know what's gonna happen. Your eyes are going to get red, your nose is going to run and you're gonna discover you have developed allergies from the greenhouse destroyed atmosphere. Which means you're gonna run back into your house and start surfing your cable for that allergy med commercial you saw the other night while you were up with your restless leg syndrome.

So are these TV drugs gateway drugs? Well, not in the conventional sense. They won't cause you to kill your mother or rape a neighbor's cat or eat an entire large three-topping Domino's deep dish the way pot will. But they are gateway drugs. They're a gateway to buying OTHER TV drugs!!, They're a gateway to depleting your paycheck and your savings by buying other drugs you also don't need. If you went to your doctor once a week and asked about a different drug you'd been told to ask your doctor about by TV, you would quickly be taking 50 meds a day for the rest of your life. I can hear you now - "But my doctor wouldn't prescribe ALL those drugs for me...". Wanna bet on that? Because once you "cure" your osteoperosis, you'll feel like walking more. And then you're gonna realize that all that couch potatoism has left you overweight. So the TV tells you that your doctor has some nice weight loss drugs, just for the asking. But they'll cause your metabolism to increase and along with it your heart rate and blood pressure. So now you need BP drugs. And on and on and on...

Who do you think is actually supporting your doctor's 6+ figure lifestyle anyway? Not you with your $10 co-pay. Ever notice the paraphernalia in your doctor's office. No, not the tongue depressors, but the canister they are in. I'm talking about the charts on the wall and the note pads on the desk and the pen you filled out the form with and the gumball decanter on his desk. Look a little closer. I'll bet every one of them bears the logo of a drug company - you know, the folks who brought you Restless Leg Syndrome in the first place.

So no, TV drugs aren't gateway drugs. They won't lead you to heroin and weight loss and theft and ruin. Until you start taking all of them. Then they'll lead you to bankruptcy... and starvation... and probably alcoholism... and ruin. Now, in this economy, which of those is more the American way? God I'm depressed. Luckily, the TV just told me to ask my doctor about Zoloft...