Has anyone else ever had this happen to them? You're out shopping at your favorite supermarket - you know, the one where the stuff just seems fresher, the help is friendlier, the prices are lower, the squeals of rats dying in traps less obvious, and you pass through the bakery department. You notice what appears to be a lovely lemon danish on display. It LOOKS perfect - exactly what you would paint if you were to paint a scrumptious lemon danish - although I'd avoid eating it then, because the lead in the paint, especially Cadmium Yellow - probably not good for you. But, it "speaks" to your eyes and your palette and says - EAT ME!!! So, since you haven't had a danish in forever, you take a few and scurry off to the checkout lane, praying that the checker doesn't drop your cans of Garden Vegetable Progresso soup ($1 a can!!!! This is normally like $3 a can soup!!! I told you it was cheaper here!) onto the delicate pastries in the bag. You make your way home, and when you get there, after finding a place to store more cans of soup than you'll probably eat this year, you sit down with your treasured danish and take a bite. Before the pastry even enters your mouth, your sense memory has already employed the template of what this danish should taste like and as the dough hits your tongue and your teeth slice in, the only thing you can think is "that's not right?!?!?".
And so you take another bite, as if the first just happened to be taken in the one spot of the thing that tasted different for some reason. And again, "nope, still not right. Well it'll be better when I get to the lemon part". Bite, chew, chew, chew. Lemon bite, chew, stop... chew, stop. "That doesn't even taste like lemon. It doesn't taste like anything!! Why hast thou abandoned me, o Lemon Danish?" And then it hits you. It's the We Only Do One Thing Right syndrome. Never heard of it? Well, the rule of thumb goes like this: If you find something you enjoy that is manufactured by a given place, and you try something else that they make, it will never be as good as what you already like and it will certainly never match that same thing from a different place. Now I very much like the black seeded Kaiser rolls from this supermarket's bakery, AND I like their cherry turnovers, although they may be a bit too sweet. Which, if I had any sense, and employed the WODOTR rule, it would have told me that I cannot buy any other bread product there or any other baked sweet because they will not be to my liking. Which, now that I have tested it, has proved to be true. But it's not just food that this rule applies to.
Like a particular brand of jeans? They fit you properly and don't wear out immediately? Great. Buy a bunch. But DON'T buy the same brand sweatshirt. It'll almost certainly be of inferior quality (that won't be apparent) when you get it home. It'll shrink. It'll fade. You'll forever be pulling down the bottom to cover your back while you're sitting. Like that iPod Classic? Works great, never had a problem with it? Great. But now you need another one, for the office, or for while you run etc.? But you don't need one as big do you? So you buy a smaller one - a Nano or a Shuffle or a Micro or an Electron (this one is amazing btw - literally a free electron which circles a point of light and holds 6000 songs...). Well, don't do it. Because you'll have nothing but problems with it. The battery won't hold a charge or you won't be able to turn it off, or to change songs or something. Just think about the times this has happened to you. "Oh I love this place's crab cakes. But I don't really feel like them today. So I'll try the steak. And what winds up on your plate is the moderately warm sole of a combat boot covered in A1 sauce...
I mean, is it just me? Well, the track record says it probably is, but still, I can't be the only person this happens to. Can I?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Gateway Drugs
So, I'm watching television (as always), mindlessly (as always), and yet another "ask your doctor" drug commercial comes on. I think this is the third in a row. Yep, that famous trilogy - Cialis, Advair and Caduet. By the way, for those that don't know, those were the actual first names of Gladys Knight's Pips... Anyway, it got me thinking.
For years (and years, and years), we've been told by the US government that Marijuana is a gateway drug. As anyone who's heard this over the years, and/or seen Reefer Madness, knows, one simple toke of a joint will forever set you on a bender of giggling rape and pillage that would be the envy of Calligula. Well, I'm not disputing these findings. They are the work of the US government and Hollywood, so they must be true. But, this is where my midnight thought train to Georgia let me off. (See what I did there?) Is MJ the ONLY gateway drug? And barring that, is MJ from the Spiderman movies any sort of gateway? Mmmmm, MJ in the rain...
OKAY, back now... So I'm just asking. Are any of these governmentally approved TV dealers pimping a new gateway drug? I mean, take Restless Leg Syndrome - please (© Henny Youngman). Suppose you've taken the prescribed dose of Requip and your legs stop shooting out at all angles randomly at night or whatever happens. Does that make it easier for you to get a good night's sleep, so that you can get up earlier the next day and get outside? And once you're outside, with nothing else to do and no one to talk to except the drug dealer on the corner, does that mean you'll buy some heroin? Probably not.
Not because you couldn't use some nice smack right now, but basically because I think that the known side effects of Requip - fainting, dizziness, increased gambling and sexual urges, narcolepsy, nausea, vomiting, drowsiness... are gonna stop the average person from EVER getting to sleep in the first place. But if you're one of the lucky ones who does derive some help from this drug without forming an ulcer worrying about the side effects, I really doubt you're going to run out of your house to the nearest crack dealer you can find. What's most likely going to happen is that you're gonna feel rested and relaxed from a good night's sleep and so you're gonna go for a nice long walk in the spring breeze (assuming you can stay upright and clothed - don't forget the narcolepsy and sexual urges side effects...). And then you know what's gonna happen. Your eyes are going to get red, your nose is going to run and you're gonna discover you have developed allergies from the greenhouse destroyed atmosphere. Which means you're gonna run back into your house and start surfing your cable for that allergy med commercial you saw the other night while you were up with your restless leg syndrome.
So are these TV drugs gateway drugs? Well, not in the conventional sense. They won't cause you to kill your mother or rape a neighbor's cat or eat an entire large three-topping Domino's deep dish the way pot will. But they are gateway drugs. They're a gateway to buying OTHER TV drugs!!, They're a gateway to depleting your paycheck and your savings by buying other drugs you also don't need. If you went to your doctor once a week and asked about a different drug you'd been told to ask your doctor about by TV, you would quickly be taking 50 meds a day for the rest of your life. I can hear you now - "But my doctor wouldn't prescribe ALL those drugs for me...". Wanna bet on that? Because once you "cure" your osteoperosis, you'll feel like walking more. And then you're gonna realize that all that couch potatoism has left you overweight. So the TV tells you that your doctor has some nice weight loss drugs, just for the asking. But they'll cause your metabolism to increase and along with it your heart rate and blood pressure. So now you need BP drugs. And on and on and on...
Who do you think is actually supporting your doctor's 6+ figure lifestyle anyway? Not you with your $10 co-pay. Ever notice the paraphernalia in your doctor's office. No, not the tongue depressors, but the canister they are in. I'm talking about the charts on the wall and the note pads on the desk and the pen you filled out the form with and the gumball decanter on his desk. Look a little closer. I'll bet every one of them bears the logo of a drug company - you know, the folks who brought you Restless Leg Syndrome in the first place.
So no, TV drugs aren't gateway drugs. They won't lead you to heroin and weight loss and theft and ruin. Until you start taking all of them. Then they'll lead you to bankruptcy... and starvation... and probably alcoholism... and ruin. Now, in this economy, which of those is more the American way? God I'm depressed. Luckily, the TV just told me to ask my doctor about Zoloft...
For years (and years, and years), we've been told by the US government that Marijuana is a gateway drug. As anyone who's heard this over the years, and/or seen Reefer Madness, knows, one simple toke of a joint will forever set you on a bender of giggling rape and pillage that would be the envy of Calligula. Well, I'm not disputing these findings. They are the work of the US government and Hollywood, so they must be true. But, this is where my midnight thought train to Georgia let me off. (See what I did there?) Is MJ the ONLY gateway drug? And barring that, is MJ from the Spiderman movies any sort of gateway? Mmmmm, MJ in the rain...
OKAY, back now... So I'm just asking. Are any of these governmentally approved TV dealers pimping a new gateway drug? I mean, take Restless Leg Syndrome - please (© Henny Youngman). Suppose you've taken the prescribed dose of Requip and your legs stop shooting out at all angles randomly at night or whatever happens. Does that make it easier for you to get a good night's sleep, so that you can get up earlier the next day and get outside? And once you're outside, with nothing else to do and no one to talk to except the drug dealer on the corner, does that mean you'll buy some heroin? Probably not.
Not because you couldn't use some nice smack right now, but basically because I think that the known side effects of Requip - fainting, dizziness, increased gambling and sexual urges, narcolepsy, nausea, vomiting, drowsiness... are gonna stop the average person from EVER getting to sleep in the first place. But if you're one of the lucky ones who does derive some help from this drug without forming an ulcer worrying about the side effects, I really doubt you're going to run out of your house to the nearest crack dealer you can find. What's most likely going to happen is that you're gonna feel rested and relaxed from a good night's sleep and so you're gonna go for a nice long walk in the spring breeze (assuming you can stay upright and clothed - don't forget the narcolepsy and sexual urges side effects...). And then you know what's gonna happen. Your eyes are going to get red, your nose is going to run and you're gonna discover you have developed allergies from the greenhouse destroyed atmosphere. Which means you're gonna run back into your house and start surfing your cable for that allergy med commercial you saw the other night while you were up with your restless leg syndrome.
So are these TV drugs gateway drugs? Well, not in the conventional sense. They won't cause you to kill your mother or rape a neighbor's cat or eat an entire large three-topping Domino's deep dish the way pot will. But they are gateway drugs. They're a gateway to buying OTHER TV drugs!!, They're a gateway to depleting your paycheck and your savings by buying other drugs you also don't need. If you went to your doctor once a week and asked about a different drug you'd been told to ask your doctor about by TV, you would quickly be taking 50 meds a day for the rest of your life. I can hear you now - "But my doctor wouldn't prescribe ALL those drugs for me...". Wanna bet on that? Because once you "cure" your osteoperosis, you'll feel like walking more. And then you're gonna realize that all that couch potatoism has left you overweight. So the TV tells you that your doctor has some nice weight loss drugs, just for the asking. But they'll cause your metabolism to increase and along with it your heart rate and blood pressure. So now you need BP drugs. And on and on and on...
Who do you think is actually supporting your doctor's 6+ figure lifestyle anyway? Not you with your $10 co-pay. Ever notice the paraphernalia in your doctor's office. No, not the tongue depressors, but the canister they are in. I'm talking about the charts on the wall and the note pads on the desk and the pen you filled out the form with and the gumball decanter on his desk. Look a little closer. I'll bet every one of them bears the logo of a drug company - you know, the folks who brought you Restless Leg Syndrome in the first place.
So no, TV drugs aren't gateway drugs. They won't lead you to heroin and weight loss and theft and ruin. Until you start taking all of them. Then they'll lead you to bankruptcy... and starvation... and probably alcoholism... and ruin. Now, in this economy, which of those is more the American way? God I'm depressed. Luckily, the TV just told me to ask my doctor about Zoloft...
Rave On
Wow! Blog #2. Who thought we'd make it this far? Just think about all we've seen since yesterday... well, uhm, Heroes? Yeah, that was okay...
Today is Feb. 3, 2009 - or 3 Feb. 2009 for our friends "from a different land" as Robert Klein used to say. So what's special about today? Well, I'm sure it's someone's birthday or someone's anniversary somewhere. And, of course, it's that special day of the year that Tom Cruise checks the mark on the doorway to see if he's any taller. But it's actually an anniversary of sorts for everyone. It's, as Don McLean so kindly inflicted on us years and years ago, the day the music died. Today is the 50th anniversary of the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and JP Richardson (even I think that it's criminal for someone to have to be remembered forever as the Big Bopper...). Mostly I'm here to talk about Buddy.
First, and foremost, Buddy Holly was not the stammering amphetamined buffoon that Gary Busey made him into. And don't get me started on the technical/equipment mistakes in that movie. From what I know of him, Buddy Holly was, in addition to being a certifiable musical genius, a fairly shy, retiring guy who lived for that few minutes on stage when people would hear his music and hopefully like it, the time he could be in the studio recording that music and the time he got to spend with his wife.
Of course, these days, Buddy is all but forgotten except by old codgers like myself. His name and songs are owned by Paul McCartney - or maybe Heather Mills. If the children (and by the way, I use the term children to refer to anyone who hit puberty after 1984)... anyway... if the children these days know Buddy at all, they know him as the title of a Weezer song. I'd bet half of them, upon seeing his picture, think Elvis Costello is Buddy Holly and vice-versa. And while I think Elvis is also a musical genius (which is NOT a term I throw around lightly), Buddy was one of the first of the rock era. Along with Chuck Berry, Buddy was the most influential musician to come out of the Eisehhower years. Buddy inspired everyone to come after him, from the Beatles and the Stones and the Grateful Dead (and I've said it before - Jerry's dead and I'm grateful) to the aforementioned Costello and his fellow "new wavers" who colored my own musical coming-of-age.
Buddy was an innovator as well. One of the first rock musicians to arrange strings on a track - not as a wash to fill space - but as a textural element, pizzicato approximating falling drops in Raining in my Heart. And he certainly predated the Beatles use of "foreign" instruments in rock tracks with the celeste on Everyday. And then there were the rockers - That'll be the Day, Peggy Sue, Not Fade Away and my personal favorite, Rave On. As a guitarist, Buddy had one of the best rhythm hands in rock, possibly only topped by Pete Townshend. For the guitarist's out there - just give it a try - play Peggy Sue only with downstrokes as Buddy did. If your arm isn't killing you by the time you're done, you're a better man than I.
And try this on for size. People often talk about "what would (insert favorite dead rock star) have done if they'd lived longer?" Always a valid question, but just think what Buddy would have done had he lived longer. Hendrix's career was about 3 years. Janis' and Morrison's too. Brian Jones' about 5. Brian Wilson's was about 6 before the breakdown. Buddy Holly did what he did in one and a half years. 1.5 YEARS!!! Hell, his star rose so fast and was extinguished before the general public even had an inkling of who he was. Imagine if other careers had stopped after 1.5 years. There'd be no Sgt. Pepper, no Exile on Main Street, no Pet Sounds, no Village Green, no Blonde on Blonde, no Armed Forces, no Sound Affects etc. etc. I'd personally like to see what another year and a half would have produced from Buddy. I think it would have been marvelous.
Okay, so not so much vitriol in today's blog - sorry bout that. I'll try to be madder next time. But til then, pull out that dusty vinyl or that cracked CD case (and if you don't own any, you should just be ashamed) and give Buddy a spin. I think it'd be nice if we'd all just do a bit more raving on.
Postscript: Tom Cruise remains at his current height...
Today is Feb. 3, 2009 - or 3 Feb. 2009 for our friends "from a different land" as Robert Klein used to say. So what's special about today? Well, I'm sure it's someone's birthday or someone's anniversary somewhere. And, of course, it's that special day of the year that Tom Cruise checks the mark on the doorway to see if he's any taller. But it's actually an anniversary of sorts for everyone. It's, as Don McLean so kindly inflicted on us years and years ago, the day the music died. Today is the 50th anniversary of the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and JP Richardson (even I think that it's criminal for someone to have to be remembered forever as the Big Bopper...). Mostly I'm here to talk about Buddy.
First, and foremost, Buddy Holly was not the stammering amphetamined buffoon that Gary Busey made him into. And don't get me started on the technical/equipment mistakes in that movie. From what I know of him, Buddy Holly was, in addition to being a certifiable musical genius, a fairly shy, retiring guy who lived for that few minutes on stage when people would hear his music and hopefully like it, the time he could be in the studio recording that music and the time he got to spend with his wife.
Of course, these days, Buddy is all but forgotten except by old codgers like myself. His name and songs are owned by Paul McCartney - or maybe Heather Mills. If the children (and by the way, I use the term children to refer to anyone who hit puberty after 1984)... anyway... if the children these days know Buddy at all, they know him as the title of a Weezer song. I'd bet half of them, upon seeing his picture, think Elvis Costello is Buddy Holly and vice-versa. And while I think Elvis is also a musical genius (which is NOT a term I throw around lightly), Buddy was one of the first of the rock era. Along with Chuck Berry, Buddy was the most influential musician to come out of the Eisehhower years. Buddy inspired everyone to come after him, from the Beatles and the Stones and the Grateful Dead (and I've said it before - Jerry's dead and I'm grateful) to the aforementioned Costello and his fellow "new wavers" who colored my own musical coming-of-age.
Buddy was an innovator as well. One of the first rock musicians to arrange strings on a track - not as a wash to fill space - but as a textural element, pizzicato approximating falling drops in Raining in my Heart. And he certainly predated the Beatles use of "foreign" instruments in rock tracks with the celeste on Everyday. And then there were the rockers - That'll be the Day, Peggy Sue, Not Fade Away and my personal favorite, Rave On. As a guitarist, Buddy had one of the best rhythm hands in rock, possibly only topped by Pete Townshend. For the guitarist's out there - just give it a try - play Peggy Sue only with downstrokes as Buddy did. If your arm isn't killing you by the time you're done, you're a better man than I.
And try this on for size. People often talk about "what would (insert favorite dead rock star) have done if they'd lived longer?" Always a valid question, but just think what Buddy would have done had he lived longer. Hendrix's career was about 3 years. Janis' and Morrison's too. Brian Jones' about 5. Brian Wilson's was about 6 before the breakdown. Buddy Holly did what he did in one and a half years. 1.5 YEARS!!! Hell, his star rose so fast and was extinguished before the general public even had an inkling of who he was. Imagine if other careers had stopped after 1.5 years. There'd be no Sgt. Pepper, no Exile on Main Street, no Pet Sounds, no Village Green, no Blonde on Blonde, no Armed Forces, no Sound Affects etc. etc. I'd personally like to see what another year and a half would have produced from Buddy. I think it would have been marvelous.
Okay, so not so much vitriol in today's blog - sorry bout that. I'll try to be madder next time. But til then, pull out that dusty vinyl or that cracked CD case (and if you don't own any, you should just be ashamed) and give Buddy a spin. I think it'd be nice if we'd all just do a bit more raving on.
Postscript: Tom Cruise remains at his current height...
Monday, February 2, 2009
Beginnings
So, to those who might wander upon this little miscreation of text - here's what to expect. I'll be writing here about all the things I encounter in daily life that make me want to scream - including daily life. If you love Andy Rooney - well, for god's sake, get him to cut his eyebrows. That's just ridiculous, but if you like his brand of sarcastic irritation, you've come to the right place. Sarcasm is high on my list of favorable attributes.
And now a little about me (isn't that the point of the electronic me-generation anyway?) I've become an old man. A "get off my lawn you punks" kind of old man. Part of it probably has something to do with having lived 48 years of a life grossly unfulfilled. Whose fault is that? I'm sure after reading a few of my diatribes, you'll come to the clear conclusion that it is mine. Probably right. But at this advanced level of decrepitude, it's too late to change.
By trade, as if I remember what that is, I'm a Graphic Designer. A GRAPHIC designer - no, not a web designer. I wasn't trained to be a web designer. I wasn't trained to program content for the intertubes. I was trained to make type and pictures look good on the despoiled remains of the mighty Oak. Or the Scotch Pine... yes, I'm a Python fan. But I digress - constantly - get used to it. So, since I'm a practitioner of a career that seems to have been closed to all those over the age of 30, I'm unemployed. I know, I know. Find something else to do. Well, here's the thing. The older you get, the harder that kind of change is to come by. I've already done it several times in my life. I'll get into that, I'm sure, as these things go by. If you stick around long enough, you're sure to know more about me than anyone ever wanted. But, since I seem to have nothing but time of my hands, and an ever-growing list of things to complain about... here I am.
Anyway, that's enough of an introduction for now. As I say, I'm sure you'll be hearing more than you want about me later.
Thanks
And now a little about me (isn't that the point of the electronic me-generation anyway?) I've become an old man. A "get off my lawn you punks" kind of old man. Part of it probably has something to do with having lived 48 years of a life grossly unfulfilled. Whose fault is that? I'm sure after reading a few of my diatribes, you'll come to the clear conclusion that it is mine. Probably right. But at this advanced level of decrepitude, it's too late to change.
By trade, as if I remember what that is, I'm a Graphic Designer. A GRAPHIC designer - no, not a web designer. I wasn't trained to be a web designer. I wasn't trained to program content for the intertubes. I was trained to make type and pictures look good on the despoiled remains of the mighty Oak. Or the Scotch Pine... yes, I'm a Python fan. But I digress - constantly - get used to it. So, since I'm a practitioner of a career that seems to have been closed to all those over the age of 30, I'm unemployed. I know, I know. Find something else to do. Well, here's the thing. The older you get, the harder that kind of change is to come by. I've already done it several times in my life. I'll get into that, I'm sure, as these things go by. If you stick around long enough, you're sure to know more about me than anyone ever wanted. But, since I seem to have nothing but time of my hands, and an ever-growing list of things to complain about... here I am.
Anyway, that's enough of an introduction for now. As I say, I'm sure you'll be hearing more than you want about me later.
Thanks
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